Whole30 Part Deux: day 2

Yesterday was a little difficult.  I was definitely fighting some cravings.  "Why in the world did I agree to do this with my mom?!  I'll just do it for most of my meals, but not fully compliant like I did last time."  These were the thoughts that ran through my mind approximately 5456542165746 times yesterday.  Facts are, I feel like shit (caught a cold), my joints are achy, I haven't worked out in a week and am not motivated to, and I was out of control with food all of October (the sugar dragon took over something fierce).  I didn't re-intro properly and so I really don't have a clue what effects me how.  On to the food.

8:15 am - Breakfast - this is going to get pretty predictable.  I didn't take a picture today either because it's exactly the same as yesterday's.  Three eggs scrambled in the microwave, half a sweet potato, and coffee with coconut milk.

11:00 am - Banana

11:30 am - Lunch:  left over cabbage from dinner a couple of nights ago, two Applegate Chicken & Apple sausages, and a quarter of a yellow bell pepper.

3:30 pm - Apple

8:00 pm - Chili - had beans, so it wasn't compliant

So, if I was really really doing the Whole30, I would have had to start over both days.  I completed a successful Whole30 in September, then went crazy in October, so now I'm trying to find balance.    

Whole30 Part Deux: day 1

Sunday meal prep included baking three sweet potatoes.  It should have included egg muffins, but I digress.

Monday is official Day 1.  

8:25 am - Breakfast is three eggs, scrambled in the microwave (I know, gross, but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes) covered in Cholula, half of one of the aforementioned sweet potatoes, and coffee with coconut milk.

10:30 am Pre-workout - Half an avocado and a chicken tender that was egg-washed and seasoned with salt and pepper.

In between pre-workout and lunch, I did not actually work out and I had a banana and the other half of the avocado.  I'm coming down with something and decided resting instead of pushing through a work out was more important today.  I'm working through cravings too and although lunch, as you'll see, isn't totally compliant, it is 'clean'.  I wanted tacos, or loaded baked potato soup.  

2:25 pm Lunch - left over beef stew, which is non-compliant because it has white potatoes and I'm assuming that my husband used a seasoning packet with non compliant ingredients.  C'est la vie.  

4:00 pm I had an apple

7:30 pm Dinner - Deconstructed hamburgers.  Grass-fed ground beef seasoned with salt, pepper, onion powder, and garlic powder fried up on a cast-iron skillet; two eggs fried in coconut oil; and half an avocado all covered in Cholula (are you seeing a theme here?)

#fuckSIDS

My heart aches.  Not even one iota to what Julie and her family is feeling though.  She lost her healthy, perfect 15 month old boy.  Unexpectedly and possibly to SIDS.  In his sweet sleep.  From the way she parents, I assume he fell asleep at her breast, inhaling her scent, wrapped in her warmth, enveloped in unconditional and passionate love.

I have so many emotions about this.  From agony for her and her family to sheer fear.  She did everything she knew possible to decrease the chances of this exact thing happening.  But it still did.  Why oh why did this still happen.  A friend said she believes it's God's way of saving the child from some horrific thing later in life.  Makes sense.

I am more thankful than ever I parent the way that I do.  Every single moment is precious.  My babies will not spend one second of their invaluable lives crying it out, being punished, or left to wonder if they are loved unconditionally or not.

I struggle with the strong emotions I feel when I come across stories like Julie's.  Why does it affect me so much?  Of course it's sad, but I somehow get wrapped up in it.  I bear her pain.  I weep uncontrollably, often.  It HURTS.  I also attribute this to the way I parent.  My heart is so huge and so vulnerable, it's easily shattered.  I know in a few short days, my life will be back to normal, unlike Julie's.  I'll leave a little piece of my heart with her and sweet sleeping PatPat though.

I wish I had come across her page, The Progressive Parent sooner.  I know people are only trying to send her love, but I imagine posts like "I kissed my babies and held them tighter tonight" only deepen the pain.  I don't know.  Know one knows how they would feel or react in such dark times.  I'm absolutely astonished by her selflessness though.  She's donated his heart valves and his corneas and plans to donate her milk.  That part hit me the hardest.  I wondered before she posted something about it.  That is what would bring the reality of the situation crashing down on me.  Leaking, engorged breasts with no baby to be comforted by them.  As she eloquently and beautifully put it 'my breasts are grieving as heavily as I am'.  It truly is love in tangible form.  

Sleep well PatPat.  Love and light Julie and family.

2013

Ah New Years. Full of promise and fresh starts.  Bahumbug.  Mine has started with unfamiliar raging lady hormones which equals unrecognizable cranky pants and bad mom. I had husband get champagne because, hey a girl can dream.  But by the time midnight rolled around I was feeling anything but celebratory.  We went ahead and popped the bubbly, toasted,  well clanked our glasses, and that was it. Not even a kiss. I managed about three sips before both sock monkey and bravo were up for the count.  It took both husband and I to get them back down, in which we both crashed as well.  So then, why do I feel like I stayed up and drank the whole bottle of champagne all by myself?!  A hangover without a party is totally unfair. 
Back to the New Years, new beginnings point of this post. I didn't really do any formal resolutions, however, I do have some self improving in mind.  Less yelling, definitely less yelling.  Now, let me go ahead and defend myself.  I don't yell very often, but when I run out of patience, I run out in a big way. It's totally unacceptable. I need better ways to cope. So I'll work on that.
The second thing, which is equally if not more important than the first is to work on my relationship with M. She is a great kid and she needs to know that I think that about her. Don't be fooled; this sounds much easier than it is.  This is going to take a lot of self forgiveness and insight.  It's going to be uncomfortable. She deserves it though.  And so do I.

Here's to 2013.

The picture is from this morning.