My heart aches. Not even one iota to what Julie and her family is feeling though. She lost her healthy, perfect 15 month old boy. Unexpectedly and possibly to SIDS. In his sweet sleep. From the way she parents, I assume he fell asleep at her breast, inhaling her scent, wrapped in her warmth, enveloped in unconditional and passionate love.
I have so many emotions about this. From agony for her and her family to sheer fear. She did everything she knew possible to decrease the chances of this exact thing happening. But it still did. Why oh why did this still happen. A friend said she believes it's God's way of saving the child from some horrific thing later in life. Makes sense.
I am more thankful than ever I parent the way that I do. Every single moment is precious. My babies will not spend one second of their invaluable lives crying it out, being punished, or left to wonder if they are loved unconditionally or not.
I struggle with the strong emotions I feel when I come across stories like Julie's. Why does it affect me so much? Of course it's sad, but I somehow get wrapped up in it. I bear her pain. I weep uncontrollably, often. It HURTS. I also attribute this to the way I parent. My heart is so huge and so vulnerable, it's easily shattered. I know in a few short days, my life will be back to normal, unlike Julie's. I'll leave a little piece of my heart with her and sweet sleeping PatPat though.
I wish I had come across her page, The Progressive Parent sooner. I know people are only trying to send her love, but I imagine posts like "I kissed my babies and held them tighter tonight" only deepen the pain. I don't know. Know one knows how they would feel or react in such dark times. I'm absolutely astonished by her selflessness though. She's donated his heart valves and his corneas and plans to donate her milk. That part hit me the hardest. I wondered before she posted something about it. That is what would bring the reality of the situation crashing down on me. Leaking, engorged breasts with no baby to be comforted by them. As she eloquently and beautifully put it 'my breasts are grieving as heavily as I am'. It truly is love in tangible form.
Sleep well PatPat. Love and light Julie and family.
